I think something amazing happened. My PET scans are back, and they are excellent.
I still have tumors (a big one on my liver, a few free-floaters in my caking, and the first one in my colon), but they aren't active anymore. My last CT scan showed a big decrease in their sizes, so it really seems like my body is breaking them down.
I've kept myself pretty ignorant of the cancer since November 2023's diagnosis. Obviously, I want to know everything I can do to be healthier, more active, and reduce risk, and I want to understand my medications and side effects to watch out for. However, all the staging and chance of survival is gloomy to look into. If you put your trust in science and medication, it's going to be morose when peering into a poorly understood field.
Maybe some people hold to "knowledge is power," when fighting the unknown and pull out that glimmer of hope as a catalyst for change and victory in their life. Then some people are just saccharine, whether that reflects their inner world or not. This is not me! I'm prone to depressive cycles and allow negativity to gnaw at my spirit. Blunt medical outlook would have been poison for me. I need good words, and I need to actively fight against bad words that pop into my life.
There is a lot of wisdom in Proverbs 18:21: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18 as a whole is concerned about Man's words. Solomon describes how words are heedlessly tossed about, sink deep, and shape your relationships and vey life. All throughout the Bible, gentle and discerning words are presented as a way to health, peace, and purity. I think this extends to casting off any thoughts of death and inviting peace into your life.
Philippians 4:4-7 is one of the promises of Scripture I depend upon and speaks more directly to the peace this way brings. "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Paul and Timothy continue, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Why would you not want to live this way with cancer? Secular reality is that cancer is a death sentence, and the Bible won't affirm instant relief from infirmities whenever you want. Even a complete recovery will carry the life-long fear of recurring. But focusing on these things is unnecessary stress. Healthy people drop dead and deathly ill people go on to live forever all the time. There's just no way to know how your case will go. I try to focus on my responsibilities for today, rather than looking into future what-ifs, like Matthew 6:34 advises: “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Life or death, peace has followed me.
That said, it's impossible to be completely ignorant. I accidentally saw some medical forms here and there, and I know words like "the cancer has spread" and "metastatic" are bad. I'm not educated enough to really know, but I'd be surprised if I wasn't Stage 3 or 4. My husband read a little online with what he knew, and it said my chance of survival was 5%. That wouldn't surprise me at all.
Right before November, I was deteriorating quickly. I couldn't do anything, even play videogames at my desk. I plodded through the day and went straight to bed. Fluid was building up in my lungs, too, so it was difficult to talk with the rapid nonstop coughing all evening. Finally receiving some treatment in the hospital helped, but I was a sliver of myself, barely able to color in an adult coloring book (a hobby that usually bored me anyway). People kept trying to entertain me, but I was in a haze. Doctors kept giving me bleak outlooks for response to treatment and surgery, too. I was close to death, whether they outright told me or not.
But clearly, that doesn't matter. I made it out.
At least until about a week after discharge from the hospital. I developed a blockage in my colon that would quickly kill me. I was readmitted for an emergency colostomy that I was a poor candidate for under more controlled conditions. Then again, I bounced right back. My surgeon was shocked.
Now I'm seeing marked recovery from a perpetually progressing cancer after 18 rounds of chemo. It's amazing. My tumors are shriveling up. It's just so amazing. Hallelujah. Whatever happens in the future, you can't deny this is amazing. Your body isn't even supposed to take that much chemo without frequent breaks, and all the medications I take are supposed to be laden with debilitating side effects. I'm never even nauseous. It's like picking up serpents and drinking poison. I'm not afraid of the future at all, so long as Christ forgives my sins and meets me on the other side. I hope for a long life, but I trust the Lord to act according to His wisdom and care for all my loose ends.
I just feel like praising God a lot. Through good or bad, He is a really good God.
I think about Hezekiah a lot. He became sick to the point of death, too, but the Lord promised to add another 15 years to his life. Isaiah 38 preserves his writing after his miraculous recovery.
Isaiah 38
16 O Lord, by these things men live,
and in all these is the life of my spirit.
Oh restore me to health and make me live!
17 Behold, it was for my welfare
that I had great bitterness;
but in love you have delivered my life
from the pit of destruction,
for you have cast all my sins
behind your back.
18 For Sheol does not thank you;
death does not praise you;
those who go down to the pit do not hope
for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living, he thanks you,
as I do this day;
the father makes known to the children
your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me,
and we will play my music on stringed instruments
all the days of our lives,
at the house of the Lord.
What sets those in the land of the living apart from those in Sheol? Our worship. Knowing the hour of his death, the wise King Hezekiah didn't throw himself into time with family, acts of charity and education, appreciation of art and nature, or anything lower than his gracious God Himself. He dedicated his heart to sing songs of praise at the feet of Jesus all the days of his life.
Hallelujah.