God makes it clear. Psalm 27:14 ends with"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." There is nothing to fear. His timing is perfect, so wait on Him. And you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, so sing praises to Him.
I don't ask what stage my cancer is, but, frankly, the severity doesn't really matter anyway. My health is in God's hands. He has made massive tumors miraculously disappear, and He has taken people home during routine procedures. People's bodies are like clay to Him, and He is in total control of cancer. Just as with Job, if even Satan himself is attacking my body, God has set His hand where no threat can pass. If that is my life, praise God, but if that is my soul, praise God. And if I ever doubt His wisdom, I pray the Father brings it into alignment with His will.
Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” - Job 2:4-6
I'm not entirely naive, though. If I have colon cancer and it has spread to glands on my liver and a few other places in my belly, that is pretty bad. I had plenty of opportunities to catch it earlier, too, chiefly, the time I visited a cancer clinic for voluntary screening after Mom died from cancer and I was turned away due to my age.
There was always an excuse, though. A year ago, my mom passed away, so I thought it was just grief! Then three months ago, my dad was getting into wrecks frequently and , so I thought it was just stress! Then I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but how can I worry about that when my husband is having stroke-like symptoms! I go into more details in Weird Symptoms - Diagnosing Colorectal Cancer, but my family needed all my attention last year.
After all this bad timing, my husband had finally reached his limit of seeing me sick and ordered me to the doctor right away. It took three months after reaching my lowest point and a year after I started feeling a little down, but I was finally diagnosed. Was it really a bad time, though, or was God waiting until He had lined everything up perfectly?
My pastor recommended I keep a list of miracles, so here's a few things I've noticed:
I don't know the future, but it is safe to say this isn't a time of disaster. It's a time of spiritual growth, miraculous healing, and families coming together. It's not just for me, either, but I've seen it in other families, too, as they care for their sick loved ones.
I was diagnosed in the hospital and was kind of subjected to whatever doctor or nurse was in. Admission time is an RNG roll, and I feel like I received the best. My general practioner sent me to the ER for fluid in my lungs with urgency. It would turn out that I barely had any in the first place, but her urgency was well-placed. I feel like just any doctor would have sent me home with antibiotics, but the ER doctor on staff that day diligently investigated my mismatched symptoms until he found the cancer. Bless him richly. He is a good doctor. I was quickly matched with the oncologist and the surgeon available, and both would prove later to be just as excellent.
Then all my nurses were gentle, knowledgeable, and clean. One nurse in particular was like a friend, but several were close to my age and deeply empathetic for my health. They offered a lot of hugs and laughs and supportive words beyond the medicines and tests.
I got opportunities to show my nurses love, too, but the Holy Spirit's appearance overshadowed me. God blessed us with a peace that fragranced the room, and the nurses and everyone who visited commented on it. One night-shift nurse said I slept with a glow-in-the-dark smile. It wasn't like the classic "be the only Jesus some people see" saying at all - God was obviously present in the room.
I did get conventional opportunities to talk about God's love and pray with a lot of people, though, and my pastor was a frequent guest. One nurse was even sweet enough to return my prayer for her with a small gift. Having cancer and being stuck in the hospital for weeks is bad and all, but praise God for how special it was to feel His presence like that.
As for my at-home care and physical therapy, there is no guarantee to receive nurses that are trained to care for ostomates, but I had a richly knowledgeable nurses who casually dropped insights alongside spiritual encouragement, another nurse who was able to explain all my new ostomy supply samples (I had no idea what half of it was!), and a physical therapist who told me exactly what I needed to hear to balance building my body back up and resting as needed. He told me which exercises are gentle on my surgery. Not everyone gets what they need out of the programs, so I am so grateful for all the guidance I received.
I believe God prepares the way for my husband and me. His way is unfathomably higher, but I can see enough to know that we would have had some disadvantage if the cancer clinic had diagnosed me back in January.
My husband is my protector. When I am in danger, he swoops in and saves me or gives me the way out. He loves me and cares for me with all of his heart. This is true to the point I think it'd be harder on him to see me with cancer than to go through it himself. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital, sleeping in his jeans in folding chairs, and he has been by my side ceaselessly since I've come home. This would be impossible for someone to do while maintaining a job, yet God has worked it all out.
I became a star in his office somehow last year or so. I don't work there, and I have no reason to really interact with his coworkers, but I had that bizarre Esther-like favor with them immediately when I met them. They were having an informal meeting at a bar. My husband and I don't attend their meetups, but we decided to go the one time the CEO was in town. They all wanted to talk to me and were unironically trying to invent a position in the company for me. My husband says they even started bringing my "charm" up in meetings. Later, I accompanied my husband to company expos and conferences, and they let me into their booths and were cool with me talking to attendees. Then when the office Christmas party came, they were more enthusiastic about inviting me than my husband!
It's not normal, but that's how favor looked in the book of Esther when God was placing her where she was needed - and my husband needed his coworkers' support.
When I got the diagnosis, they showered me with love, with offers to pick up things to bring to the hospital, and with flowers and really cool gifts. Even more, they showered my husband with advice on how to approach our insurance and have given him leave to work from home as much as he needs. They are like a family, and I am so surprised and grateful for their kindness. I have no doubt his previous company would not have been so supportive, so I think God has been setting this support system up for a while! I think God is watching out for my husband as much as He has been for me.
As a longer-term complementary miracle, how amazing a husband I have. He first noticed me in a crowd, so thank God a hundred times that he picked me. God gave me the perfect, loving husband to rely on.
I did not want to be alone in the hospital for one minute. If a doctor came in, I wanted a second ear. If I needed something, I didn't want to rely on overworked nurses. My husband was ready to sacrifice his energy like that, but it's an unhealthy expectation for one person. Fortunately, God has been working in the background for years to send us family to support us. Doesn't He think of everything?
Usually, my father-in-law lacks seniority to get Christmas and New Year's off, so we celebrate on another day or without him. Traveling from their state to ours is out of the question. If we spend the holiday together, we are always the ones traveling. This was the year he finally got them off and he got both holidays off. They didn't plan to go on vacation, either. They planned on visiting us at our house. (Of course, they only tell us things last-minute, so we had no idea all year.) So, right as my husband needs them, they have all the time off in the world and can sit with me, run errands, and give my husband much needed relief.
They probably would have had us over again for Christmas, but things are stressful at home for them, so they wanted to relax with us. It's tremendously helpful they were directed to us, but it's a shame they landed in the middle of our own drama instead.
Of course, I don't think they mind. I think they are more like family to me than my biological family. They jumped right into caring for us. They were beyond helpful both when dealing with doctors and managing my neglected household chores. And thankfully, there were enough people in my support group that they got plenty of time to relax, too, and explore my city.
It's crazy how everything lined up with that because any other year, my father-in-law would never be able to visit even for a full weekend. I didn't even know it was possible to see him off work for so long.
After the diagnosis, all my doctors were deliberating the proper treatment. My oncologist was out, so her partner came in with a pessimistic presentation of treatments. My surgeon was visibly downcast, essentially telling me that my scans resembled someone who is inoperable and, even if he could operate, the recovery would take dangerously long. There was no way forward.
However, my God is the Way Maker, so I had to go to Him. I prayed with my husband. I called the pastor in to pray. I called my two best friends in to pray. Prayer was being strategically deployed. We prayed for a way forward. Then my oncologist came in the next morning, saying we would begin FOLFOX promptly. She was so clear and confident, there was a clear contrast.
When I began treatment, I had no side effects, and in fact, all my superficial cancer symptoms disappeared immediately with the first treatment - no fever, no fatigue, no night sweats. My tumor pains even are far less frequent and nowhere near as painful. Even my nocturia almost disappeared after 3 treatments. It's like I get the chemo glow. I blossom with every treatment. Others suffer much harsher side effects and more nebulous benefits, so thank God for being so gracious with me so far.
After going home, I developed a blockage in my colon but didn't realize it. No one knew what to do. Every day, I was in immense pain and became very swollen, but my mother-in-law and husband would continue to try to force me to eat, which increased only pressure. Whenever they would call my oncologist team, they would only suggest Miralax and stool softener, saying swelling in the abdomen is normal after chemo. This wasn't normal, though. I sounded like a fish tank with all the liquid and gas trapped in my colon.
The most the oncologists suggested was an ultrasound to detect if it was water buildup and a way to remove any excess water. Of course I prayed that it was only water and that the doctors would give instant relief, but the procedure found nothing of the sort. In retrospect, this was the better outcome. Water can be removed, but they said it would come back and have to be removed periodically. The alternative operation is not comfortable, but having to deal with that periodically would be way worse. Also, water around my organs is a cancer symptom, and I want less cancer symptoms, not more! When God says no and gives something better, doesn't He?
My mother-in-law kept calling and tried contacting other oncologists she knew, but my husband decided in a snap to take me to the ER instead. Thank God he did because my surgeon rushed down to meet me and said my colon could rupture at any moment. The surgery he originally said was impossible was now necessary. Honestly, this was a life-or-death situation.
He started by ordering an NG tube, but the ER nurses were out of their element with it. They couldn't find a tube small enough for me, so they were resigning to sedate me and force one down my nose. When they consulted with my surgeon for a second opinion, he stepped in and transferred me to the surgery ward where the nurses routinely practice NG tube insertion on each other. It was such a smooth process. My nurses found a tube in my size and instructed me every step of the way. I have always had a phobia of tubes being inserted down my throat, but the Lord made it easy. Even if I needed some berry-flavored throat numbing spray every few hours, the NG tube brought the instant relief my husband and I prayed for. Praise God.
The surgery itself turned out not only to be possible, but I recovered in superhuman time. It takes time for the colon to function normally again, but it was fine right away. I was back on a normal diet in 3 days when recovery should take weeks. God worked an undeniable miracle, and my surgeon was nothing but smiles after having been so gloomy. Hallelujah. I didn't want the surgery at all, but before, I was on a low-roughage diet that cuts out all the joy (no quinoa, no strawberries...), and now I can eat with freedom. More so, it saved my life. God always takes care of me.
My chemo treatment is FOLFOX, which includes oxaliplatin. It has a really weird side effect that increases cold sensitivity. Being exposed to cold feels like electrocution. The night after first infusion, a few drops spattered from the sink onto my arm, and I felt intense shocking for an hour. It freaked me out, even if I was warned to be careful.
The side effect was not so bad after first exposure, but I had to wait for the sink to warm up before coming anywhere near it, drink lukewarm water, cover my face and hands, and generally flee from cold. Thankfully, the shock goes away immediately if I touch something warm. It's a form of nerve damage or something, so I really don't want to have anything to do with that side effect.
Of all the side effects to have from chemo, a little zing when I get something out of the freezer, fatigue, salt tasting kinda metallic, and hair loss is a pretty light load compared to all the cancer symptoms it has wiped out. Others suffer much worse, so thank God for being gentle with me.
However, side effects are progressively worse as more treatments are delivered, and on round 4, the cold sensitivity was on the cusp of unmanageable. Everything was too cold for me, even lukewarm water and room temperature fabric. My hands locked up while trying to use plastic utensils to eat with. I couldn't drink or eat well the first few days. The intensity decreased during the week, but still, if it will get even worse again and again, eek. I asked my husband and small group at church to pray about it. And God directed me to a solution.
So one night, I was thinking about how cancer is such a downer topic that, no matter how positively you frame it, the other person will begin sharing their own loved one's tragic struggle with it and feel sad. Instead, I've found guiding cancer smalltalk to this cold shock thing is a way to keep the conversation light and even pretty interesting or funny. The only problem is I don't know what to call it besides "cold shock thing." So I searched for a more proper term. And, well, naturally I clicked on outrageous clickbait instead! What else do you do while trying to research something serious?
Fight Colorectal Cancer has an article titled Keeping Cool: Can Ice Keep Side Effects at Bay?. The findings, all from random patient hearsay and a Facebook group, claim the best way to prevent suffering from the cold is to give in completely. During infusion, eat ice chips, wear ice packs, freeze your socks, and the cold will accept you as its own. You can go out and eat ice cream immediately afterward, when the side effect would normally be at its most biting. There were no clinical studies of this at the time of the article, but it's a cheap thing to try out. And honestly I was a little desperate for relief.
"Icing" myself during the hour infusion by sucking on ice chips actually worked. I accidently washed my hands with cold water when I came home, and it was like nothing. As a test, I held an ice drink, and there was a little zing after a while, but this was weaker than the first treatment. I'm not suffering from unexpected breezes or cold surfaces or anything. I can live my life rather normally instead of looking like a parka caterpillar. Amazing. Ice may be the best palliative treatment I've ever had. As always, God gives you what you need when you need it. :)
I'll update as I go. :) Thanks for reading, and please thank God for all His faithfulness and lovingkindness.
Last updated April 9, 2024 - always adding more as I think of them